DARVO Explained: The Narcissistic Abuse Tactic That Flips the Script
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling like your reality was flipped upside down—like somehow you became the problem for speaking up about being hurt—you’re not alone. That kind of mental and emotional whiplash has a name: DARVO. It’s a psychological manipulation tactic often used by people trying to avoid accountability, and it shows up far too often in cases of abuse and trauma.
What is DARVO?
The term DARVO was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd a psychologist who studies betrayal and trauma. In her research, she saw this pattern again and again: when someone confronts their abuser or speaks up about harm, the response isn’t accountability—it’s DARVO. The goal is to make the victim doubt themselves and look like the one causing harm.
DRAVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a strategy that some people use—consciously or not—to deflect blame, discredit the person they hurt, and protect themselves from consequences. It can be subtle or overt, but either way, the impact is real and often deeply confusing.
You might see DARVO in the context of sexual abuse, domestic violence, or toxic interpersonal dynamics. But it can also show up in families, workplaces, religious communities—anywhere someone wants to dodge responsibility and turn the spotlight away from their behavior.
How DARVO Works
To understand how DARVO functions, let’s break it down:
Deny – The abuser denies that the abuse ever happened or refuses to take responsibility for their actions. This could be as simple as outright denying an event took place or minimizing it, saying things like, “You’re overreacting,” or “It wasn’t a big deal.”
Attack – After denying the abuse, the abuser shifts into attack mode. They may lash out at the victim, accusing them of lying, exaggerating, or being “too sensitive.” They might try to discredit the victim by questioning their credibility or attacking their character. This tactic is intended to make the victim second-guess their own feelings and experiences.
Reverse Victim and Offender – This is where the real manipulation happens. The abuser turns the tables by claiming to be the victim of the situation. They might say something like, “You’re making me out to be the bad guy,” or “Look at how you’re treating me now!” This causes the actual victim to feel guilty or responsible for the abuser’s distress, further silencing their claims and doubts about their own experience.
This is where it gets especially harmful—because by the time you’re in the middle of it, you may genuinely start to doubt yourself. It’s a powerful form of gaslighting, and it can leave you feeling isolated, confused, and ashamed.
DARVO in Sexual Abuse
DARVO can show up in all kinds of harmful dynamics, but it’s particularly damaging in the context of sexual abuse. Survivors are often already carrying shame, self-doubt, and fear. When an abuser flips the narrative—denying what happened and painting themselves as the victim—it can compound that pain and make it even harder to speak up or seek support.
In these situations, DARVO doesn’t just protect the abuser. It actively silences the survivor. It makes them question whether anyone would believe them, whether they should’ve said anything at all, or whether they somehow brought it on themselves.
Why DARVO is So Effective
DARVO is so effective because it hits survivors right where they’re already most vulnerable. After experiencing abuse, many people feel unsure of themselves—unsteady in their own reality. If they’ve been manipulated or gaslit before, they may already be questioning their instincts or doubting their memory. DARVO takes that uncertainty and weaponizes it. It confuses the story, shifts blame, and dumps the emotional weight onto the person who’s already been hurt.
And when it works—when bystanders start to believe the abuser’s version of events or question the victim’s credibility—it reinforces silence. It isolates the victim even more and keeps the cycle going.
Once DARVO is in play, the actual victim’s experience tends to get pushed aside. The abuser, now casting themselves as the wronged party, takes center stage. That role reversal makes accountability almost impossible and drowns out the pain and truth of the person who was harmed.
This kind of dismissal is one of the most dangerous parts of DARVO. In cases of sexual abuse, it can deepen feelings of shame, confusion, and guilt—especially when someone is already struggling to make sense of what happened. It makes speaking up even harder, and it discourages others from offering support or coming forward. In many cases, it also means justice never happens.
What We Can Do About DARVO
The first step is learning to recognize DARVO when it’s happening. Just being able to name it—“Oh, this is DARVO”—can help you ground yourself in your own experience and reality.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of DARVO, know that your response makes sense. It’s not a failure to feel confused or to second-guess yourself. That’s part of how this tactic works.
If someone you care about is navigating this kind of manipulation, the most helpful thing you can do is listen, believe them, and help them feel seen. You don’t need to have all the answers—you just need to hold space for their reality without rushing to explain it away or question their motives.
And if you’ve recognized DARVO in your own past—either as something you’ve experienced or something you may have done—it’s not too late to explore it with curiosity and honesty. Understanding these dynamics is part of how we begin to repair and heal.
You Deserve to Be Heard
If this article resonates with you—if you’ve felt the sting of being dismissed, blamed, or silenced after speaking up—you’re not imagining it. DARVO is real. It’s destructive. And you don’t have to untangle it on your own.
We know how overwhelming and disorienting these experiences can be. If you’d like support in navigating your own story or want to better understand how these dynamics have impacted you, we’re here. Feel free to reach out to us for a consultation to see if we may be a good fit to walk alongside you in your healing process.
You deserve to be heard. You deserve to feel safe in your own truth.
Willow & Moss Counseling – Trauma-Informed Care for Children, Teens, and Adults | Play Therapy & EMDR | Cherokee County, Serving Woodstock, Holly Springs, Canton, and Kennesaw
