Coercive Control: How It Manifests in Abusive Relationships, Groups, and Communities

So, what exactly is coercive control?

In simple terms, coercive control is when someone—or even a group of people—exerts power over your life by controlling your actions, thoughts, and decisions. This can happen in ways that don’t always involve direct threats or physical abuse, but the impact is just as damaging.

This dynamic doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It can show up in families, friendships, workplaces, religious groups, sororities or fraternities, cults, and even within social circles. Coercive control can sometimes feel subtle—like an emotional undercurrent—but it’s a form of power that leaves people feeling trapped, confused, and unable to explain why they feel so “off.”

What It Might Look Like:

The hallmark of coercive control is its stealthy nature. It can look like “concern” or “care” from the outside, but underneath is the manipulation that keeps you off balance. Here are a few signs of coercive control:

• Constant monitoring: They check your whereabouts, social media, or even your phone—sometimes “out of concern” or “just to stay connected.”

• Isolation: They subtly separate you from other people, claiming others “don’t understand” or labeling them as toxic.

• Constant criticism: Your choices, appearance, and goals are minimized, leading you to question your own confidence and judgment.

• Over-control of decisions: They insist on making every decision, even the smallest ones, because they “know best” or “don’t trust you.”

• Walking on eggshells: You find yourself constantly avoiding conflict, worried about the consequences of speaking up or disagreeing.

• Self-doubt: You start questioning if your reactions are too much or too dramatic, gaslighting yourself into thinking you're being too sensitive.

• Blame-shifting: No matter the issue, it’s always framed as your fault, even when you’re not responsible.

• Unspoken threats: There’s an air of tension—if you don’t comply, something negative will happen (emotionally, socially, or otherwise).

The key thing here is the pattern. Coercive control isn’t just one incident; it’s an ongoing series of behaviors that gradually shift your sense of reality, leaving you in a constant state of confusion and emotional distress.

But They Never Hit Me…

It’s common for people to dismiss coercive control because it doesn’t always involve physical violence. But just because the harm isn’t visible doesn’t make it any less real. Coercive control is a form of emotional and psychological abuse, and it often doesn’t get the recognition it deserves. The emotional manipulation and self-doubt it creates are incredibly damaging—sometimes even more so than physical violence, because it chips away at your sense of self over time.

You don’t need to wait for things to escalate into something “worse” to recognize that you’re experiencing abuse. If you feel controlled, manipulated, or constantly drained by someone’s behavior, it’s important to acknowledge the impact. Your experience is valid, and you deserve support, no matter how the abuse shows up.

The Lasting Impact of Coercive Control:

Even if you’re able to leave a situation where coercive control is at play, the emotional toll doesn’t disappear overnight. Some long-term effects include:

• Complex PTSD: Unresolved trauma from ongoing manipulation, control, and emotional distress.

• Anxiety and panic: A constant feeling of being on edge or unsafe.

• Difficulty trusting yourself: You’ve been told what to do and how to think for so long that trusting your own instincts becomes nearly impossible.

• People-pleasing behaviors: Fearing rejection, you might go out of your way to keep others happy—even at your own expense.

• Struggles with boundaries and identity: Having been told what’s acceptable and what’s not, you might feel uncertain about where you end and others begin.

• Chronic self-doubt: Constantly questioning your thoughts and decisions, you might feel like you’re “too much” or “too sensitive.”

Coercive control doesn’t just affect your relationships with others—it impacts how you relate to yourself. It messes with your self-worth, your ability to trust, and your overall sense of safety, leaving you emotionally fractured even after the situation ends.

Healing from Coercive Control

Healing from coercive control isn’t about ignoring what happened or brushing it off as "not that bad." It’s about unlearning the harmful lessons you were taught about your value, your boundaries, and your right to exist freely in the world.

Therapy—especially trauma-focused therapy—can help you rebuild trust in yourself, your boundaries, and your ability to make decisions. Here’s how therapy can support healing:

• Rebuilding a sense of safety and self-worth

• Recognizing red flags and learning not to gaslight yourself

• Processing fear, grief, and self-blame

• Creating boundaries that protect your emotional well-being, not punish you

• Reconnecting with your true self and voice

If you’re struggling with coercive control, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Healing is a process, but with support, you can reclaim your sense of agency, safety, and self-respect.

At Willow and Moss Counseling, we understand that emotional control doesn’t always look obvious. It’s not always about physical violence—it’s about the silence, the shame, and the emotional weight that’s harder to carry and even harder to explain. We’re here to help you understand and heal from the effects of coercive control.

Our team brings years of experience working with survivors of trauma, including emotional manipulation, coercive control, and various forms of interpersonal abuse. If you’re ready to begin your healing journey, we’re here to support you.

You don’t have to figure it out on your own.

Willow & Moss Counseling – Trauma-Informed Care for Children, Teens, and Adults | Play Therapy & EMDR | Serving Woodstock, Holly Springs, Canton, and Kennesaw